10 replies to this topic

[Couzifer]

MC Qham

JUPITER
I’m the ancient king of the Roman gods, named in the dialects of the inhabitants of the Earth – siblings of my 3rd positioned relative in the hierarchy of privilege –
The privilege of being near the source of high-powered chemically immortal energy that the sun…

In the beginning, after the completion of architectural proceedings saw this kid once when I made my rounds on the sun only to see him again in 12 years
Man’s imaginations promptly stretched to see me as a giant ball of gas and liquid with little solid surface,
…promptly – as soon as he woke up from His deep slumber on a new technological day and era.

Man was awed – anxiety got the better of him, attracted him…but they talk in earthly languages and explore me from earthly parameters with earthly luggages..
Together with my neighbors Saturn, Uranus and Neptune Sometimes they call us in nick names as the Jovian planets – these scholars in some heavy gowns! From my point of view, they looked like savages & walked aimlessly like clowns!!! Hoping on my skin; puppets on a string of modernity – yet they claim superiority over me and my neighboring blood ties (planets)!
Even God Himself scripted some biased apocrypha of power on some invisible tablet Engraved in the roots of all of nature’s conscious.

When I make my rounds in the bright eyes (sun) of the God that molded me,
Telescopes and “satellites” zoom my frame from earthly scopes through their lens closely monitoring every step, every spin, every mood, in every scientific blink of their eyes am watched like the all-seeing eyes of annuity
Especially during my probation days, when the arousal is too much for their egos.
My steps ecstatic, I walk with pride, dominion over my sibling paternals – my eight close relatives always in union! My skin attracts these fire tailed flies (comets & meteorites) that collide on it causing striking harm in the eyes of man-cum-scholar.
Man-cum-scholar..Man-cum-scholar..Man-cum-scholar..Man-cum-scholar…echoes between the corridors of my cerebrum – my perception ringing alarms..!

…in the middle of this I saw a bright light shining, brighter than the reaction between magnesium foil and water…before I could contemplate on what was happening – I noticed with defensive emotions..my expression candid, it was associates (humans) from my relative Earth
f*ck it! It was these clowns of scholars intruding my space, disturbing my peace and betraying secrets and valuables of nature that my creator established during the genesis in favor of my course of existence on the face of God!
This time I promised to end ‘em all - squash them with my invisible will of power and mighty strength!
I had to take everything back, I had to get it all out of my chest – vengeance was mine this time – pay for all the losses once and for all..!
Kaput! End their reckless endeavors to the hell of space where immortality of human anatomy seems to dwindle with every increase in expanse;
Where flesh couldn’t survive the harshness!
Colliding in my mood of joy, confusion, I lit a bright glow to indicate victory
Blood turning to vengeance – brotherhood squashed, enmity born
Anger and rage boiled on the face of the Earth, it was a war well pronounced by both sides –
A war of supremacy, where technology exceeded tenure and the beliefs of men drifted amiss of God’s Holy Scrolls of beautifully true creation!
Scientism and evolution..hhmm…HUMAN CRAP, pillar of all frustrations, vein less barbarism and committed confusions modernism!

Vs

vnorm

Jupiter (space station)

private corner,
dead shiny screen siphoning life
from a mouse and a mother-
board,
Loyal selfess cursor forever willing
to leave its life for whatever words
I make out of qwerty.
This is the silent team
behind the signs of steam
that stream into ears
when its 00:00 minutes to take-off.

I ride on words
firmly riveted in free-verse or form
into a rocket (I call her 'dreams')
launched before little audiences
in government schools
where I am idolized
and my permanent cool (rein)forced.
I sell to them the world behind my bedroom chair;
sentences sewn
into imagery and choppy rhyme-schemes,
not caring if listeners are entertained or edified.
Maybe it matters more that I am expressed.
In exchange for what I sell
they fuel my dreams;
This once little scrap with which I used to toy,
after the show all buoyed
to tour the galaxies and find me my home..

I'm not a star.
I've never envied the men in silver.
they make a million false starts
like (man-made) neon bulbs
to call attention to themselves
for a flash
by any eyes marveling at the night's beauty.
I'm a writer;
words become life.
even dead helium hydrogen words.
Potential counts, right?
I am/could be a planet- Jupiter, or whatever.

The more of me I heap onto the galaxy's arms,
the more I become who I am
or I'm meant to be,
by virtue of potential.
So ride on, little poem,
propel me past the stars.
I'm settled for an identity,
next to Frost, Soyinka and crew
that make for Mars, Venus and other famous faces in the queue.
Potential is all
that counts,
right?

[Poetic Seraph]

Nice approach of the topic of both poets

MCQham, i'm not the biggest fan of your poetry structure. It reads more like a story than a poem. I learned a lot about the planet :) If science class was in rhyme like what you gave us here, I think I would have remembered more of it

Vnorm's structure is the complete opposite. It made the poem more personal, less like an information session. It's a close call but my vote goes out to vnorm

[brooks]

Couzifer said:

I’m the ancient king of the Roman gods, named in the dialects of the inhabitants of the Earth – siblings of my 3rd positioned relative in the hierarchy of privilege –

ok! i see you sire, nice opening...

Quote

In the beginning, after the completion of architectural proceedings saw this kid once when I made my rounds on the sun only to see him again in 12 years
Man’s imaginations promptly stretched to see me as a giant ball of gas and liquid with little solid surface,
…promptly – as soon as he woke up from His deep slumber on a new technological day and era.

Man was awed – anxiety got the better of him, attracted him…but they talk in earthly languages and explore me from earthly parameters with earthly luggages..
Together with my neighbors Saturn, Uranus and Neptune Sometimes they call us in nick names as the Jovian planets – these scholars in some heavy gowns! From my point of view, they looked like savages & walked aimlessly like clowns!!! Hoping on my skin; puppets on a string of modernity – yet they claim superiority over me and my neighboring blood ties (planets)!
Even God Himself scripted some biased apocrypha of power on some invisible tablet Engraved in the roots of all of nature’s conscious.

When I make my rounds in the bright eyes (sun) of the God that molded me,
Telescopes and “satellites” zoom my frame from earthly scopes through their lens closely monitoring every step, every spin, every mood, in every scientific blink of their eyes am watched like the all-seeing eyes of annuity
Especially during my probation days, when the arousal is too much for their egos.
My steps ecstatic, I walk with pride, dominion over my sibling paternals – my eight close relatives always in union! My skin attracts these fire tailed flies (comets & meteorites) that collide on it causing striking harm in the eyes of man-cum-scholar.
Man-cum-scholar..Man-cum-scholar..Man-cum-scholar..Man-cum-scholar…echoes between the corridors of my cerebrum – my perception ringing alarms..!

thats some serious education. ii am learning.

to avoid lenghthy explanations, i will say your piece is an 8. i understoode every word, description, phrase, metaphor, but your sructure? that didnt do it for me

[brooks]

Couzifer said:

private corner,
dead shiny screen siphoning life
from a mouse and a mother-
board,
Loyal selfess cursor forever willing
to leave its life for whatever words
I make out of qwerty.
This is the silent team
behind the signs of steam
that stream into ears
when its 00:00 minutes to take-off.

that is one sick opener... i can sooo relate to that

Couzifer said:

I ride on words

Couzifer said:

I sell to them the world behind my bedroom chair

Couzifer said:

I'm not a star.
I've never envied the men in silver.
they make a million false starts
like (man-made) neon bulbs

lol

Couzifer said:

I am/could be a planet- Jupiter, or whatever.
lol... nice

Couzifer said:

The more of me I heap onto the galaxy's arms,
the more I become who I am
or I'm meant to be,
by virtue of potential.
So ride on, little poem,
propel me past the stars.
I'm settled for an identity,
next to Frost, Soyinka and crew
that make for Mars, Venus and other famous faces in the queue.
Potential is all
that counts,
right?

right!!! i think i undserstood your piece better. and the quoted lines? wow.... you have my vote vnorm

[Couzifer]

...planets!, stars...me!, universe(s)...me!, Jupiter, many moons, galaxies...space...me!...infinite >>>

The moment u' guys picked on Jupiter...I smiled coz I knew I would love it n' u' didn't let me down;
Reading MC Qham's piece was like taking me through a journey I've traveled a million times!...It was interesting but not all that poetic...it was plain jus' like that...it was like all about the planet as the planet it is! and that's not what I expected from a poetic point of view...most of the info you gave about it been a gas giant, its journey around the sun, its neighbor planets, man's telescopes and all that is something everybody can Google and that's what I mean about the non-poetic side of it.
I liked your opener thou'

MC Qham said:

I’m the ancient king of the Roman gods, named in the dialects of the inhabitants of the Earth – siblings of my 3rd positioned relative in the hierarchy of privilege –
The privilege of being near the source of high-powered chemically immortal energy

vnorm my man!...you killed it bro!...if only Jupiter could read, she would calm down to these words!
I like where you wrote this from...the ISS? (International Space Station)!...that's where you let your mind float literaly, ignited your pen and stricked these words!!...I don't need to say more; your piece was mad poetic wit some killer metaphores, structure was on point too.

All that said: My vote goes to vnorm

[Kizito]

Couzifer said:

The more of me I heap onto the galaxy's arms,
the more I become who I am
or I'm meant to be,
by virtue of potential.
So ride on, little poem,
propel me past the stars.
I'm settled for an identity,
next to Frost, Soyinka and crew
that make for Mars, Venus and other famous faces in the queue.
Potential is all
that counts,
right?

i related to this Norm.. nice script.. you have my vote.

Qham your structure is depressing. long sentences. disjointed stanzas.. head aches..

[thaddaeus]

To be honest,they both felt pushed,almost stolen.
They are miles apart,but still have exactly the same underscore (sympathize or empathise) either way,look how clever i am.
Ever considered the perks of an inward battle -vs- an outward?
Lift your appointment up,then crush him/her with their own contradictions.
It might be just me,but lenght isn't allways the best way to go.

Quote

Blood turning to vengeance – brotherhood squashed, enmity born
Anger and rage boiled on the face of the Earth, it was a war well pronounced by both sides –

-vs-

Quote

neon bulbs call attention to themselves for a flash by any eyes marveling at the night's beauty -

vnorm get my vote for one reason,i can take from it whatever i want to add to my own arsenal.
Qham,i'm jealous of your temporary detachment,that's why you don't get my vote.

[MC Qham]

I felt as if i was infront of a class after a representation listening to the judges offerin some critical tips,must say this is a lesson well learnt..all those point y'all put are well noted!!vnorm nice battle!i ovate..5-0 a clean K.O. thnx for the tips y'all!its positively taken.Peace. :|

[thaddaeus]

:arrow: :| :?: [no need,you're writing is extremely honest]
Simplicity battle MC Qham,what say you?

[MC Qham]

thaddaeus said:

:arrow: :| :?: [no need,you're writing is extremely honest]
Simplicity battle MC Qham,what say you?

bring it on bruh! :D set it up,pick a topic.

[thaddaeus]

MC Qham said:

bring it on bruh! :D set it up,pick a topic.

You're the veteran here Qham,hey i know when to humble myself so it's only proper i play by your rules.