8 replies to this topic

[Kizito]

Early morning google eyes,
i crave a shower drenched in ice.
Hot dream forgotten quick, head spins, swollen d*ck.
Good morning sunrise, i pray again for sunshine
i lie on the lawn and take you in...
"oh my God the suns mine!!"...for now.
the early morning dreamer drowns in dreams.
I swim in pursuit of destiny like sperm.

showered? check
sprayed? check
Hair brushed? yup
Teeth? check
the Louis is fake, but
all else is dirty.
it is sufficient for the love im out to meet.

she walks on to the bus as all days but today i saved a seat.
i made sure we'r by the windows coz i know she hates the heat.
i made sure we'r by the speaker to disguise my heart beat
that is tearin up my tissues as she climbs the second step.
now im unsure if she will smile today as she has the past weeks
that i couldn't gather guts together to save her this seat.
Her hand trails behind her. why? Bags!! she needs my help!!
i half get up when i look up and see his hand inside of hers.
my rose bud love has succumbed to her impatient sheers.

broken. i sit. tears, humiliation, and hurt...
.. mate to birth this new death i feel.
i look down to hide myself, and these tears inside my soul...
Hurt, humiliation, tears...

"excuse me is this seat taken..."
this voice was half as sweet
her eyes behind geeky windows
and yet... yet... i felt complete.
her smile had surpassed hers by miles...
"No"
She was worth the wait...

I'm trying out story telling for the first time and this is my first piece... Let me know guys.. tips are very welcome.

[Kizito]

p.s. somebody please tell me about poetry battles and how i can get in there aswell..

WHO KNEW THAT GRASS... Grass i.. g.. what tha!!

[MC Qham]

feels more like a freestyle but man am kinda disappointed considering your lyrical fire (prowess) you should have done something monsterous with the ability i reckon you possess...but all in all welcome to the poetry forum,looking forward to the make-over piece
on the other hand i feel you had the power to a execution but u kinda let it down by the rhymin (unlikely rap/freestyles,poetry is best executed without the rhyme scheme - great poems that is, with full use of feeling)

otherwise glad to see you around man!peace :wink:

[vnorm]

Great storytelling dude. I liked the plot. The ending wasnt awesome one bit. I expected a twist. With such played stories you gotta give an unexpected ending to make it memorable.
vocab was on point and this being a beginning, you are set for great writing. keep at it.
peace.

[Kizito]

Thanks dudes. you put it to me str8!!

ima start working on it..

Qham thanks for the compliment.. i dont do poetry much, but thats where my my focus is shifting towards, so im still to get on point there aswell..

Honour

K

[vnorm]

keep dropping man.
poetry is power.

[Couzifer]

No doubt I loved this; For a start?!...its on point...the art of story telling...always reminds me of MF Doom that masked sick fellow!!!

Nice work kizito...I'm sure u gon' perfect on the few issues already pointed out!

Welcome to this side of the site...feel at home and keep on blessing us wit the writes!

Peace.

[Kizito]

ey guys, thanks.. thats uplifting thus im bound go up!

1

K

[MC Qham]

Kizito said:

Qham thanks for the compliment.. i dont do poetry much, but thats where my my focus is shifting towards, so im still to get on point there aswell..

no prob man, always good to see poetry burning inside evrybody's heart