27 replies to this topic

[Poetic Seraph]

Couzifer

"LOSS"

I sit by my side into the dark hour
watching my sleep as nightmares soar
over my head preying on my brains
my defenseless mind tries to roar in rage
in search of help from thoughts it cant find
thoughts slain in war with visions and ideas
and lost in a desert of subconciousness
loss of dreams to nightmares so cruel

I get up with pen and pad in hand
fliping through this pages with rage
in a bid to strip my pain
and fears with courageous writing
but I'm in loss of words to express my thoughts
so I scream in distress
and splash my anger as tears of different colors falls...
on fury at the speed of light.....
squashing my feelings dry on street walls
its my definition of loss in graffitti

...one with a course of durability
than tounges and smiles of different races
or needles of colored ink in flesh
its loss of love as replaced with tears of pain
...when a unsuspected touch carreses her innocence
thats loss of trust to hands rusty with obscene
...when people's rights of existence,
just goes silence without trace
thats loss of justice to corrupt authorities

VS

Ralstone15

sleeves on my shirt turns damp
every time i lay and revamp
on my life
wondern why i want
nothin goin right
flaking one thing to the next
heart gone cold (but)
fire in my viens
givin my all not to go insane

i had my ways
but suddenly life took its course
its hard to say
like finding phrases and metaphors
so i find myself trapped
in this prison of the mind
unsatisfied like a empty vessel
cleaning out whats left of me

i feel like the end
im caught in the tomb
cant start over
cant jump in the womb
soon itll be like eraser traces
erasing spaces
wish something could be done
but cant go back
bleed and let bleed
till theres nothing left
of this catastrophe

[eizzy.k]

Yo!
Sorry i was late responding to your request to post the battle, been in Kenya this past week and didn't ave the time to go on line!
Well, lemmi b the first o vote then,

Couzifer; you took the theme of loss and brought it out on many levels, from a "loss of words to express my thoughts" to a loss of innocence, trust, justice....
however i felt that you could have used more emotive words or images to bing out that sense of anger and pain, or evoked it in a less direct way, like how you can show your angry without saying your angry, u know what i mean!? somehow i just didnt really feel your pain...

Ralstone; I think you focused more on the feeling of loss, and dint explore more of what it meant, what it showed you or made you realize or whatever, i feel you could have gone deeper with the content...
but, i liked the rhyme, you had some sick lines...
"i feel like the end
im caught in the tomb
cant start over
cant jump in the womb"

but overall,
My vote goes to...Couzifer

[Poetic Seraph]

2 very different poems and I gotta cosign with Eizzy on her comments. Couz explored the variety of losses while Ralstone dug more into 1 feeling of loss

Both have very strong points and some sick lines

Quote

I sit by my side into the dark hour
watching my sleep as nightmares soar
over my head preying on my brains
my defenseless mind tries to roar in rage
in search of help from thoughts it cant find
thoughts slain in war with visions and ideas
and lost in a desert of subconciousness
loss of dreams to nightmares so cruel

Couz I just love the picture u pain here. U seem to be so disturbed about the nightmares that your spirit decides to not be part of it and just watches over your body and mind while they endure the nightmares. The last line expresses the sadness of knowing that you coulda have had beautiful dreams, if only...

Quote

I get up with pen and pad in hand
fliping through this pages with rage
in a bid to strip my pain
and fears with courageous writing
but I'm in loss of words to express my thoughts
so I scream in distress
and splash my anger as tears of different colors falls...
on fury at the speed of light.....
squashing my feelings dry on street walls
its my definition of loss in graffitti

I didn't really get the connection between the writers block 'at a loss of words' and the grafitti. Love that line "and splash my anger as tears of different colors falls"... gotta love grafitti

Quote

...one with a course of durability
than tounges and smiles of different races
or needles of colored ink in flesh
its loss of love as replaced with tears of pain
...when a unsuspected touch carreses her innocence
thats loss of trust to hands rusty with obscene
...when people's rights of existence,
just goes silence without trace
thats loss of justice to corrupt authorities

man, u KNEW u were gonna get me with this one. first the tattoos, which I hadn't expected as a subject in a poem about loss AT ALL. getting tattooed for me was indeed - in a way - to replace something I had lost or to celebrate the bad situation I got out of. then u continue with the loss of innocence, which I can relate too, also. and u ended it wonderfully with the loss of justice, which is a major important issue to me too. Kinda like u wrote this stanza for me personally hahahhaah I know that isn't the case, but I can sooooo relate to it.

Now for Ralstone's poem

Quote

sleeves on my shirt turns damp
every time i lay and revamp
on my life
wondern why i want
nothin goin right
flaking one thing to the next
heart gone cold (but)
fire in my viens
givin my all not to go insane

very strong opening stanza. First I had to think a lil on the sleeves turning damp, but I'm guessing u were talking about sweating when u really think about ur life, ur past, ur future and all the things that happened, things that should have and should not have happened. U really set this uneasy, uncomfortable feeling about a certain type of loss with this stanza, yet it's not clear yet what it really is. made me really wanna carry on reading and finding out

Quote

i had my ways
but suddenly life took its course
its hard to say
like finding phrases and metaphors
so i find myself trapped
in this prison of the mind
unsatisfied like a empty vessel
cleaning out whats left of me

this is a nice stanza, not as good as the first one though. It kinda feels like u were really tapping into real life emotion of a real loss, but - as you wrote - you couldn't really find the right way to explain how you felt. Unfortunally. left me kinda hanging

Quote

i feel like the end
im caught in the tomb
cant start over
cant jump in the womb
soon itll be like eraser traces
erasing spaces
wish something could be done
but cant go back
bleed and let bleed
till theres nothing left
of this catastrophe

here we come to the conclusion and this is another strong stanza. Love the beginning lines, the ones Eizzy pointed out too. You seem to realize that even though you regret certain things, it's too late now to change them, so you just have to deal with the loss of missed oportunities.

There.
Now I'ma hafta give my point to Couz. I agree with Eizzy that Ralstone tapped more into the emotion of loss, but I also feel that he could have dug deeper. It feels more like a poem about regret than about actual loss. Couz didnt really tap into the emotions that much, but he did point out several definitions and everyone can relate to at least one, I guess. I also feel like his sentences, his rhymes and flow were more on point

But again, 2 very good pieces. This is what I love about the poetry battles. You have 1 subjects and both pieces will go a whole different route, yet be equally strong and on point. Great job!

[Couzifer]

eizzy.k said:

...been in Kenya this past week and didn't ave the time to go on line!

I hope u' liked it here :wink:
Thanks for u' vote.
Hey yo Seraph, I like how broke down my piece, shows that u' took u' time to understand it and also the fact that u' can relate to it in one way or the other makes me feel so good.
Thanks for u' vote.

Still Uppin'

[squid]

first both poems are well written,and with Ralstone i felt his pain but with couz his pain was defined so if i have to choose one i will go with Ralstone on this one.

[vnorm]

COUZIFER
the opening verse was superb. the torment is evident. fav lines:

Couzifer said:

my defenseless mind tries to roar in rage
in search of help from thoughts it cant find

your diction was great in verse two, but the emotion, wasnt much, compared to the 1st verse.

im lovin how you extended the imagery from the second verse to the last. the ending was howver very abrut. alll in all, good piece dawg.

RALSTONE
I gotta say i love your structure man.
your opening lines werent as captivating as i think should.
I enjoyed how you came up alittle abstract, though i think Couzifer beat you at imagery. fav lines

ralstone said:

soon itll be like eraser traces
erasing spaces

[vnorm]

Couzifer dealt with the topic at a broader sense, as most voters already pointed out. i however liked the angle ralstone looked at it at. a more personal sense. that really got to me. Couzi's experience was very evident with the clear imagery, diction and easy-to-follow flow of thought. Ralstone could have took this for me if he'd put a little more to his piece.
Bla bla bla
vote: Couzifer
:)

[eizzy.k]

Couzifer said:

eizzy.k said:

...been in Kenya this past week and didn't ave the time to go on line!

I hope u' liked it here :wink:
Thanks for u' vote.
'

Yeah, twas gud, but so much dryer than here in Uganda.
I love them pimped out Nai buses!! LoL

[ralstone15]

thanks everyone for voting! damn im losing!!

much respect to couz nice work!

[Couzifer]

Is that it?!, no more votes?...come on guys, lets see some more votin'

Uppin!

[Poetic Seraph]

yeah, i see the other battle got some votes right away (i still gotta go and read it). this one will be closed for voting on NOV 20st, so more votes wanted!!

[1thought2many]

This was a hot battle as well, but Imma have to go w2ith Couz on this one, this was just heavy

[brooks]

hiiiiiiiiiiiiii guys! a lot has gone in my absence, nice battle yall, here's ma vote

vnorm said:

Couzifer dealt with the topic at a broader sense, as most voters already pointed out.

totally agree wuth you on that

Poetic Seraph said:

I sit by my side into the dark hour
watching my sleep as nightmares soar

damn couz! good description of pain there n a good opener too

Poetic Seraph said:

one with a course of durability
than tounges and smiles of different races
or needles of colored ink in flesh
its loss of love as replaced with tears of pain
...when a unsuspected touch carreses her innocence
thats loss of trust to hands rusty with obscene
...when people's rights of existence,
just goes silence without trace
thats loss of justice to corrupt authorities

nice ending lines too.

Poetic Seraph said:

sleeves on my shirt turns damp
every time i lay and revamp
on my life

niccccceeee ralstone but i will give the opener to couz
lemme cut the yao ming story short. good battle both of u but my vote goes to ralstone,
i dunno, i felt his piece more, 1

[Couzifer]

Hey yo brooks, sup holmes!, glad to see u' peepin' after a long time, thanks for takin' u time to go thru' tha' battle, u' comments are highly appreciated.
U'll be around for a while, u' feel like u' mind wanna duel?, if yeah holla!

Uppin' still...

[brooks]

HELL yeah couz, its been a whil i posted something on AHH!
so whats d topic like? emm lemme see, i dunno, u choose!

[revolt]

and the win goes to couzifer

[Couzifer]

Thanks revolt fa' ya' vote!

@brooks, damn man, aint good at choosin' topics, (sometimes I write my pieces bottom up :) ) why don't u' think of any topic or lets get someone to choose for us, please anyone choose any topic for us! :)

[Poetic Seraph]

the win goes to Couz with 5-2

[revolt]

both were tight but couzifer got it.

[ralstone15]

thanx everyone for ya votes

AY ANYBODY UP FOR BATTLE?

let me know