18 replies to this topic

[Couzifer]

u]vnorm[/u]

native.
I belong between these walls
between the crevases beneath these falls
pitfalls, loveless scavenging,
the howls of the beast calls.
Native.
This womb they think is all black
technology-alien, unable to walk past
the Gates that machines force us through
Full of Debts, Bill will be glad to sponsor two
african children.
Natives.
intellects for the internet.

Savage than the thoughtless throwing
of well-built slaves into sea, then thoughtless rowing
of the well-built ships, sailing slaves for bidship.
Natives.
Xenophobic because philosophies coined by the white minds
have got the 'black' ones bitten and twice shy
Barely scared of inadequacy. Its better when you might die.
so Our own kinds are also aliens
bossom brothers? strange and sinister
bossom aliens. keep the hope for change as minimum
as you possibly can.
Forcibly maybe.
but who is that courageous in His unwrong mind
to attack a native in his own land?
'Cursed' is maybe the wrong word
songs heard...

Quote

''Africa Uniite''

Quote

''Mama Africa''

...
Natives.
Doctor's, biotechnologists and plaintiffs!

brooks

THE NATIVE

i gulped spirits and began to see spirits,
i was been greedy cos its home was a migit
painted in green with water inhabitants
a part represented a whole, a whole for a part,
like it was a covenant
a silent echo from the god of the clouds voice,
poses potential a threat, but i am the culture,that was my choice,
the story, the words, the beating of the drums
the huge sacrifice of little virgins, where the noble king has to make sure that before they go away, they come.
the masquerades arresting the athmosphere
with the acrobatic display of witchcraft and wizandry
its a sad celebration and darkness loves its chemistry.

the sad gods of our time line up to be paid homage to
as they taste the sweet sadness of blood and of dead souls too
the talking drum raps as old folks clap their hands in excitement
and dance to its lyric,
the bed time stories and the gods are what we live by,
and their past is what we mimic,
change only feeds the past with many years,
which in turn, makes us grow in age
so we dont actually mature,
we just grow and hope that somehow, history shows,
that we have lived our lifes in history
where we copied and pasted history
because it was written for a specific processor
as such it made all of us a defalut cursor
but i just immigrated into the present as such i deserve a special priviledged position.

i am now a NATIVE of the future,
with this i drink juice and eat ham,
use my words as spears and swords while singing songs of the mohicans.

[vnorm]

good piece brooks. will feed later on it. like it already. good luck homz

[brooks]

so much 4 keepin this place alive.peeps cant even vote! wtf?!?

[Couzifer]

brooks said:

so much 4 keepin this place alive.peeps cant even vote! wtf?!?

not really that brooks, I'm sure u' gon' see some votes here, wat I think is people are findin' it hard to vote becoz both pieces are jus' too deep to rush into, as for me I've read em' more than once n' I'm yet to figure out ma' vote :?

[vnorm]

Native of the future. Im one in the present. Good piece still. nice concept.

true Couzi. jus hope cats in here are a little deep coz i think the topic explains both poems and we both came out as diffrent natives in the same setting...blah. (nice job settin this up. very fast :) )

uppin

[brooks]

still waiting for votes here!;ps,couzifer,nameless,... this isnt enouragiing at all! :(

[mimic truce]

Here is my Vote:

[u]native.[/u]
I belong between these walls
between the crevases beneath these falls

starts good n leaves suspense for [u]these falls[/u]

pitfalls, loveless scavenging,
the howls of the beast calls.
Native.

pit falls...loveless...scavenging...[u] to me doesnt work, its 3 adverbs in all. [/u] ....the howls of the beast calls...native you dont say what beast? how it came to call? you just took scavenging as an animal reaction n thought beast.but the howl expresses different, i didnt like it

This womb they think is all black
technology-alien, unable to walk past
the Gates that machines force us through
Full of Debts, Bill will be glad to sponsor two
african children.
Natives.
intellects for the internet.

here i begin to see you speak in paragraphs. but you couldve helped imagination discover your view of the womb....the next line was dope...unable to walk past, but contradicts thinking all black being that computers are coloful...then again i dont like the end

Savage than the thoughtless throwing
of well-built slaves into sea, then thoughtless rowing
of the well-built ships, sailing slaves for bidship.
Natives.
Xenophobic because philosophies coined by the white minds
have got the 'black' ones bitten and twice shy
Barely scared of inadequacy. Its better when you might die.
so Our own kinds are also aliens
bossom brothers? strange and sinister
bossom aliens. keep the hope for change as minimum
as you possibly can.
Forcibly maybe.
but who is that courageous in His unwrong mind
to attack a native in his own land?
'Cursed' is maybe the wrong word
songs heard...

this part is ill. you wrote that well....personally i think you should rewrite your beginning or you should ommit it and keep wrtting, because you get better as you get more focussed on what you want to say. My advice to you is to see a story of what you want to potray. and never miss a description. almost as if you were explaning the machanism of your own design. ill read again...one

[quote]''Africa Uniite''[/quote]


[quote]''Mama Africa''
[/quote]

...
Natives.
Doctor's, biotechnologists and plaintiffs!

[u]brooks[/u]

THE NATIVE

i gulped spirits and began to see spirits,
i was been greedy cos its home was a migit
painted in green with water inhabitants
a part represented a whole, a whole for a part,
like it was a covenant
a silent echo from the god of the clouds voice,
poses potential a threat, but i am the culture,that was my choice,
the story, the words, the beating of the drums
the huge sacrifice of little virgins, where the noble king has to make sure that before they go away, they come.
the masquerades arresting the athmosphere
with the acrobatic display of witchcraft and wizandry
its a sad celebration and darkness loves its chemistry.

the sad gods of our time line up to be paid homage to
as they taste the sweet sadness of blood and of dead souls too
the talking drum raps as old folks clap their hands in excitement
and dance to its lyric,
the bed time stories and the gods are what we live by,
and their past is what we mimic,
change only feeds the past with many years,
which in turn, makes us grow in age
so we dont actually mature,
we just grow and hope that somehow, history shows,
that we have lived our lifes in history
where we copied and pasted history
because it was written for a specific processor
as such it made all of us a defalut cursor
but i just immigrated into the present as such i deserve a special priviledged position.

i am now a NATIVE of the future,
with this i drink juice and eat ham,
use my words as spears and swords while singing songs of the mohicans.[/quote]

[u] i dont like this one. [/u]


[b]my vote is to the first post

[vnorm]

thanks for the feed mimic.

''LOVELESS SCAVENGING''- scavenging is an adverb, loveless is a verb. The beast scavenges without love.

other than that i think the breakdown and critic was good. serves to make me a better writer. thanks again.

upping

[Couzifer]

vnorm said:

I belong between these walls
between the crevases beneath these falls
pitfalls, loveless scavenging,
the howls of the beast calls.
Native.

That was a powerful opener.The crevasses, falls and the howl of the beast paints a picture of a jungle, a traditional African origin.

Quote

This womb they think is all black
technology-alien, unable to walk past
the Gates that machines force us through
Full of Debts, Bill will be glad to sponsor two
african children.
Natives.
intellects for the internet.

The underlined line didn't make any sense to me, it doesn't connect to the next line.I liked the lines that followed though, you clearly show how technology has tried to force its way and the problems it brings along i.e debts and bills thats why there is need for sponsorship?!

Quote

Savage than the thoughtless throwing
of well-built slaves into sea, then thoughtless rowing
of the well-built ships, sailing slaves for bidship.
Natives.
Xenophobic because philosophies coined by the white minds
have got the 'black' ones bitten and twice shy
Barely scared of inadequacy. Its better when you might die.
so Our own kinds are also aliens
bossom brothers? strange and sinister
bossom aliens. keep the hope for change as minimum
as you possibly can.
Forcibly maybe.
but who is that courageous in His unwrong mind
to attack a native in his own land?
'Cursed' is maybe the wrong word

I see slave trade in the underlined lines, this might not mean slave trade literally but the influence of technology on the African lifestyle and state of mind.
The lines that follow would have made up this piece but you left it hanging,I expected a well concluded finish which I didn't see.

This piece was unexpected (very deep: not the obvious you can get from such topic) You where good with the metaphors too but most of your lines didn't rhyme at all and I must say this affected the flow.
To me this is a 8/10 (8 Over 10) piece.

brooks said:

i gulped spirits and began to see spirits,
i was been greedy cos its home was a migit
painted in green with water inhabitants
a part represented a whole, a whole for a part,
like it was a covenant

Your opener, especially the first line took my mind to another level, I adjusted my mind to the supernatural frequencies ready to be flown away: A very powerful starter.

Quote

a silent echo from the god of the clouds voice,
poses potential a threat, but i am the culture,that was my choice,
the story, the words, the beating of the drums
the huge sacrifice of little virgins, where the noble king has to make sure that before they go away, they come.
the masquerades arresting the athmosphere
with the acrobatic display of witchcraft and wizandry
its a sad celebration and darkness loves its chemistry.

This part got me thinking, the elements of your origin poses a threat to potential, this means you are not happy with your origin (now you see why your piece and vnorms piece got me thinking all through, you stand out very differently!!! :? ) back to your piece. When you talked about the sacrifice of little virgins what came into mind is a certain king in the south part of Africa who marries a new virgin every year!! and people never question his doing but here you do question him, as in you are not happy with what he does. You also talk about witchcraft and wizandry which are highly practiced in Africa.

Quote

the sad gods of our time line up to be paid homage to
as they taste the sweet sadness of blood and of dead souls too
the talking drum raps as old folks clap their hands in excitement
and dance to its lyric,
the bed time stories and the gods are what we live by,
and their past is what we mimic,
change only feeds the past with many years,
which in turn, makes us grow in age
so we dont actually mature,
we just grow and hope that somehow, history shows,
that we have lived our lifes in history
where we copied and pasted history
because it was written for a specific processor
as such it made all of us a defalut cursor
but i just immigrated into the present as such i deserve a special priviledged position.

I liked this part a great deal, its deeply explains your "native", I mean it relates to the topic pretty well.

Quote

i am now a NATIVE of the future,
with this i drink juice and eat ham,
use my words as spears and swords while singing songs of the mohicans.

This closing lines concludes your piece pretty well, It doesn't leave the reader hanging.

Your piece relates well to the topic, I liked the rhyming which gave it a nice flow to follow through but you wasnt very good with the metaphors which I think would have made this piece more amazing.
To me, this is a 9/10 (9 Over 10)

This was really hard to decide, like I said earlier both pieces are just too deep to rush into but my vote has to go to one and that is brooks .

[brooks]

wow ok! thats 1-1
@ couzifer ; seems like you understood the piece pretty well, big ups to u.you completely xposed my tots to you.
@ mimic truce; thanks 4 the vote too. but......... what didnt you like?

[vnorm]

@COUZI
''this womb(Africa)they think is all black, technology alien and unable to walk past the Gates that machines(civilization) force us through.''

''full of debts, Bill...''(notice 'Gates' as a proper noun up there. wordplay on Bill Gates. i.e the opinion that Africans are poor and need to be funded by rich folks) hence need for scholarships, as u put it. appreciated homz.

actually the piece ends after he quote of songs to Africa by Bob Marley n Akon. (satire) + the few lines after that.

thanks for the breakdown man. U took time to understand the pieces n that givs a poet lots of satisfaction. :D

1-1. uppin

[vnorm]

uppin yo.

[brooks]

vnorm said:

uppin yo.

i didnt know t'was this difficult to vote!

[Poetic Seraph]

no-one is voiting cuz they probably didn't know there's a new battle here. I didn't notice until Couz mentioned it in the poetry thread (maybe it's a good idea to start a new topic in the poetry thread to get people to come here to vote, every time there's a new battle) But I'm here.

My vote goes to Brooks. Both pieces are hot, deep and extremely well written. I just feel like Brooks stuck more to the subject, in my opinion. I felt that Vnorm's piece was more abstract and at certain points the story line was difficult to follow
Brooks kept it more "natural" more native :p

2 amazing pieces!!

[brooks]

thanks ps! appreciate a great deal! wld open the new thread as u suggested. uppin!

[eizzy.k]

damn, dis was hard...
Vnorm, i thought your piece was more metaphorical, you focused more on the concept,
my best line was:
"This womb they think is all black"
and i agree that Africa has been stereotyped and named the "black continent", sure we've gone through our dark times but who hasent? i think we should be called the colorful continent! LoL

Brooks, i loved the way you used your words, your piece was cleverly put together from the first line:
" i gulped spirits and began to see spirits"
to the last
"i am now a NATIVE of the future,
with this i drink juice and eat ham,
use my words as spears and swords while singing songs of the mohicans."
...dunno abt the ham part buh it sounded good anyway! LOL!

ahh...dont want to repeat what everyone else has mentioned, they have pointed out quite alot already...
My vote goes to Brooks. Why? cause it was more versatile, Both poems had all a poem shud have, i guess i just preferred the way brooks put his words together, it brought out alot more i guess...to me anyways!
But like Couz said, it was neck to neck...

Propz 2 both of u!

[ripple]

Just breezd in n saw ur gr8 work vnorm but then.......brooks u ill,though nt in d head but d lines n rhymes.u just gave reality a face.u have my vote

[vnorm]

the votes are appreciated. nice battle brooks. guess ur piece pleased most heads and mad props for that. 1

[brooks]

vnorm said:

the votes are appreciated. nice battle brooks. guess ur piece pleased most heads and mad props for that. 1

thanks vnorm loved your piece! i even copied into my flash. just so u noe t'was tighht too. like couz said, t'was neck 2neck. 1